Peter and Bacon: A Humorous Take on Acts 10

“About noon the next day, while they were on their way and approaching the city, Peter went up on the roof to pray. He became hungry and wanted to eat, but while they were preparing the meal, a trance came over him…” (Acts 10:9-10).

Peter, as if in a dream: “Man I’m hungry. I wish those guys would hurry up. Wait, what is that big sheet filled with food that suddenly appeared. It’s got all sorts of unclean food on it. What a bummer, I could totally go for a kosher sandwich right about now.”

God: “PETER.”
Peter: “Yes Lord! Oh wow, it’s so great to hear from you.”
God: “Get up Peter. Kill an animal and eat it.”
Peter: “Well I would Lord, but you gave us all of those food laws that say we can’t eat certain things and most of those unclean foods are right there. It’s a pity though, because I’ve heard bacon is awesome.”

God: “It is.”

Peter: “What?! Have you tried it?”
God: “Never mind that. Go ahead and eat whatever you want. I’m declaring all foods clean.”
Peter: “No kidding? So that means I can eat bacon now? And pork ribs? And shrimp? Man, I’ve heard fried shrimp is fantastic.”
God: “Well the whole thing is a visual lesson about how you should preach the gospel to the “unclean” people too, like the Gentiles…
Peter: “Bacon sandwiches, honey roasted hams, shrimp kabobs, oh I can’t wait to tell the other guys!”
God: “You see, I love all people, not just the Jews. So this is an example of how all people should be considered clean, just like I’m declaring all of these foods clean.”
Peter: “Oh boy John is going to flip out when I tell him we can eat shrimp now. He’s been dying to try the Shrimp and Noodles at that place down on 3rd Street.”

God: “PETER!”

Peter: “Yes Lord?”
God: “You’re getting off topic. I meant this to be an illustration about how all people are free to come to me, not to indulge your food fantasies.”
Peter: “So are you saying I can’t eat bacon?”
God: “No.”
Peter: “Bummer, because I was really excited about…”
God: “No, I mean you can eat bacon all you want, it’s just that…
Peter: “Oh good. You really had me going there. I thought you had given a blessing and then taken it away, but that would have been really unlike you. I mean who gives bacon and then removes bacon. That’s pretty harsh, I…”
God: “PETER, FOR THE LOVE OF GALILEE, PAY ATTENTION! DON’T MAKE ME BURN A BUSH OR SOMETHING!”

Peter: “Sorry.”

God: “Listen, some Gentiles are coming by. I want you to go with them. You’re going to meet a guy named Cornelius. Share the good news about how my son Jesus gave his life on the cross so men could be forgiven of their sins, okay?
Peter: “Okay.”

(Long pause)

God: “You want to ask me something, don’t you?
Peter: “Yes, Lord.”
God: “Is it about bacon?
Peter: (Afraid to answer)
God: “Go ahead.
Peter: “Is it true bacon goes with anything?”
God, (sighs): “Maybe I should have given this job to Barnabas.

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3 thoughts on “Peter and Bacon: A Humorous Take on Acts 10

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