A Serious Problem for Parents Everywhere


I want to talk with you today about a very troubling subject. It’s an issue all people, particularly parents, have to deal with. It can destroy a person’s sanity. It can wreck your house, car, or any public area. I’m talking of course about Goo. I’m writing this highly scientific article (ahem) in the hopes of educating you all about the dangers of Goo and to prepare you to properly respond to the spread of Goo in your home, school, church, and neighborhood.

For those of you who may not be aware of Goo, let me enlighten you about this dangerous and stress producing substance.

Goo is qualified as any sticky, crumbly, or messy substance produced or left behind by children. Examples of Goo are graham cracker bits on carpets, hand prints on mirrors, left over raisins in car seats, and of course, boogers. The list of items which qualify as Goo is endless. If it’s wet, sticky, gooey, trashy, or not designed for a certain area of the house, then it’s probably Goo.


Dr. Vonstubenschmidtstein

Where did Goo come from? Goo is a by-product of children everywhere. It was originally theorized that Goo was invented by communists in an attempt to destroy the minds of parents in capitalist countries, but recent discoveries by Dr. Vonstubenschmidtstein have shown Goo has been present since the Adam and Eve first had children. (However,if makes you feel better to keep blaming the commies, that’s okay). Children naturally produce Goo. Bees make honey, pine trees make pine cones, cats make cute internet videos, and human children make Goo.

Parents have to deal with Goo constantly. The average child produces a pound of Goo every hour. Goo can be identified or unidentified. Identified goo includes crumbs left behind after eating, trash not thrown away, or hair bands not properly stored. Unidentified goo is the sticky stuff found on a child’s clothes, the new stain on a car seat, or the mess found on your child’s shoe when they walk into your house.

Children begin producing Goo from the moment they’re born. Heck, they’re born covered with Goo. Then they make Goo in their pants and spit up Goo all over anyone who dares to hold them at a young age. When they get older they leave Goo in sippy cups which they forget in hidden places until the smell of rotten Goo alerts the parents of the need to clean and dispose of the now toxic stuff.

There’s no sense in asking your child about their Goo. If you say, “What is this?” or “Why did you do this?” They’ll just respond with “I don’t know,” and proceed to making new Goo before you can say Dr. Vonstubenschmidstein.

So what is a parent to do with the copious amounts of Goo produced by their offspring? There is no medical product which can eliminate the Goo producing genes in your children. Dr. Vonstubenschmidstein once thought he had created a cream based cure, but it only served to make more Goo. There are really only two options for dealing with this problem:

  1. Clean it the best you can. This is why there is a fortune to be made in cleaning products. Companies know children will never stop producing Goo until they leave the house, so they’ve created all sorts of delightful products to clean Goo or at least make it smell lemony fresh. Yes, the Goo will come back, but so does your hair after you cut it. You just have to deal with it the best you can.
  2. Send your children other places so they don’t produce Goo in your home. This is why God invented summer camps, Vacation Bible School, grandparents, neighbors, and elementary school. The Lord knew that if children were left in their own homes for too long, the Goo would overwhelm the residence and destroy all who lived there. To keep Goo from spreading too much, too often, you have to send your children away every now and then.
Don't trust them. They're making Goo.

Don’t trust them. They’re making Goo.

If you are a parent dealing with Goo and its producers, (i.e. children), then take heart. Eventually your children will grow up, leave home, and live in their own dwelling places. There they will have to deal with their own Goo. If you’re lucky, your children will one day produce children of their own and they will learn what it’s like to deal with little Goo makers. Then you can just sit back and laugh.

At least that’s what my parents do, anyway.

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